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It was a really bad night last night. I started vomiting around 8pm. Luckily it didn't last past 1am. So while it sucks that I had an episode, it's good that it was short (they normally are 12-24hrs). I'm tired today, but not terribly so. I think after a short nap I'll have the energy to set up Christmas :)



Right now I'm all about he puppy snuggles.

"HOPE YOU GET MURDERED AND YOUR KIDS DIE!!"



Here's the thing, don't lie about things... We see the lie, and it makes messages like this quite laughable. Really want to scare me? Um yeah, you can't.



Move along...

Well that just sucks.



Made a beautiful turkey, bacon green beans, butternut squash with fresh cranberry sauce...only I couldn't eat the turkey, I was too full.



This blob needs to go so I can over eat again.!

I've been thinking a lot about many things in the past few weeks. One thing that keeps coming up is past friendships, and how they still can have a positive in pact on us through virtual means such as Facebook.



There is also the idea that we should suffer in silence. Yeah, that's bullshit. It takes a village people, when we hurt and we shut the people out who love us- we effectively remove love and positivity from our lives when we most need it. Let that shit in, you need it.



It doesn't mean you have to overwhelm yourself and entertain people (unless you dig that), but it means friendship or any relationship is an energy exchange, you don't participate and it will die. Which is probably why when it goes negative, it can be hard to let go of. You remember the good points, and the anger at not receiving those creates this perpetual cycle where you try to get to the positive while just stirring up more of the negative. That's a time to truly let it go.



In other news, Mom is coming out for Christmas and is arriving right before my oncology appointment. Seems like forever- but I also had to wait 3 weeks for my OB appointment where this was discovered. Given that the department is down two specialists (one is fighting breast cancer, and one is on maternity leave) I'm still getting in pretty darn quick. Plan of attack is another blood test end of next week to see where things are (I want as much data on what I'm doing and if it's working) and then I'm certain there will be more with the Oncology appointment.



Operation remove the blob is in full force.



And now to head home to cook a turkey and start decorating for Christmas. Knowing why I've been so tired, my game plan is to start forcing myself to do as much as possible because otherwise I'm atrophying too much from not being able to fully exercise. Yet not pushing it to the point of exhaustion. Today might be some sentimental movies and a bit of TV...



Happy Thanksgiving to each one of you. I am so grateful for your love and support as I face this.

Monday and wednesday are difficult days for me. See I have perfect energy at work for my shift, but I'm exhausted after. Typically I can make a light meal but then I have to go to bed.



These days are hard because I typically clean, exercise and do errands in the mornings before my shift. With how I've been feeling I have to limit it or I have a hard time finishing my hours.



I'm grateful that I'm not an urgent case, but im also wanting this out sooner than later. That way I can get back to working out - and having my house be the way I want it.

I got the best (second best news) that I could get today.



My blood came back high normal for cancer (normal is 0-32, mine was 32) which puts me at 30% chance of cancer or less.



I've dropped my sed rate from 121 to 92 (and I had a cold) so that's good.



No organ involvement- not even the bowels.



My hemoglobin* was 10... Not good, started a vegan iron supplement today.



However... And this is the big one, the mass is 12cm, and needs to come out asap. Reason is it's the type of mass that often turns into cancer- and the very nasty kind.



Irony?



My specialists name is Gary.



So surgery either late dec or January- and the hopes that no cancer is found, or so little it's not a big deal. I started the herbs to shrink his type of tumor today, so here's to hoping that what I'm doing keeps working.

One more night of not knowing. I literally missed the MD call with the phone in my hand as several patients walked in.



Tomorrow am - 9am, we begin.

I'm up early, now to walk the dogs and drink clear fluids... Thank you all for your messages. I'm a bit overwhelmed, but today will hopefully get me some answers.

It's funny I'm so grateful for my friends- and the distractions they bring. Never forget that the give and take of friendship keeps going esp in the difficult times... Much needed distractions that was all face hard times- and we are not alone.

I think this will be one of the longest weekends of my life.



I've made the hard phone calls, and have done a shit load of texting, simply because I emotionally couldn't handle calling everyone. I'm in a kind of shock- let's take action mode, but until tests come back on Monday and the CT is completed... I'm in this dreaded wait period where everyone seems to be holding their breath... Myself included.



The tears started last night and today I'm very weepy, but I think releasing the emotions is better than holding them in. What was that about patience? Yeah, I still have to work on that.

Bad news today. They found two masses that equal over 16cm. Having blood tests to rule out cancer and have a CT scheduled for Monday.



I'm freaked out right now, but also have a gut feeling that it's going to be ok. Just have a few sucky months to get through all this as they will be doing surgery to remove the mass cancer or not. I should know Monday exactly what this is.



There were also clear signs, from the time I agreed to filter energy for Garry to the cat taking Marie's thimble and moving it everywhere. I've known- even if I can't tell others that. Please- nothing on FB as I have told close friends but have a ton of family to tell once I have some more answers. At least there is good reason I've been feeling like shit *sigh*

I am the worlds worst sick person. Really, it drives me nuts. Especially when I'm starting to feel better. You know that feeling you get when you find that one outstanding typo, that somehow the first several read throughs was over looked? That is me, and how I look back at my illness.



So far I'm getting over the head cold from the game, but I'm hoping to spend some of tomorrow and the rest of the weekend cleaning. That way I can enjoy some time over thanksgiving to put up my Christmas decorations. So much I'm behind on...

Tired of being sick.



I go in for more testing Friday. When they do my blood tests, I'm going to request that they redo the one from last week that was off the chart. Hopefully what I've done this week ends up as a measurable result...

I have some answers as to what's been wrong with me. Good news is it's something I'm familiar with how to treat. Bad news is I still have to do a number of tests to confirm- and hopefully along the way improve how my body responds. Still so very tired.

It's hard recovering from an episode. Had another one last night. Exhausted and still not wanting to eat. Drs on the 21st. Let's rule stuff out and then I have some serious changes I will be enforcing.



Don't get me wrong I know it's something serious. But I also have that gut feeling it will be ok as long as I follow that. I'm such a fucking baby- I hate this... Except the part where I lounge with puppies all day. I'm good with that

Today the one person that kept me sane got married. I'm more than sad that I had to miss it, I'm... Blah because of it.



I sent this to the maid of honor to read:



Today is a day of great celebration for two people that I care so very much about, and it breaks my heart that my circumstances didn’t allow for me to be here in person. I simply can’t think of two people more deserving of happiness, nor can I thank either one of them enough for the positive influence on my life. I can honestly say that when the shit hit the fan for me, Cris was a major support; not just in being a friend, but also assuring me I wasn’t crazy, and that this state of things would also pass. That time was also a major time of change for her, I remember distinctly when Vo came into the picture. There was a shift in how she talked about things, an excitement of their discussions, even at points her ignoring our conversation to answer something that he had written.



“He’s just so talented, so smart…” just how she talked about him showed her admiration, not just as a potential partner, but as a person.

When I finally had the chance to meet Vo, I have to say I was thoroughly impressed. He was talented, soft spoken and very much quick witted, which made for a great time. His help, allowed for nearly 5,000 to be raised for a local cancer fund, and he did it so willingly and selflessly. From the dinners where he had to put up with Cris and I gorging ourselves into “meat comas”, to movies, gatherings and just great conversations- all of it pointed to two people who not only found someone who supported them, but a partnership that is truly special.



My hope for you both is that you continue to grow your relationship in the friendship, love and support you started it in. That as time goes on, you both find in each other more ways to be the people you want to be, and that you both are able to pursue your own dreams, knowing that you have the support you need at home. That when things are tough, you know that any of us here are a phone call away, and that by standing here with you- we want to support your successes both individually and as a family. May the times that are hard, be softened by the love surrounding you; and may your friendship carry you both when love simply isn’t enough.



Know that these words simply cannot express the love I send you both today, and the blessings that I hope grow beyond what any of us can imagine. You both have my love.



In times such as these words are a cheap consolace prize to what a hug could have said. Meh. I am so very happy for them, while hurting that I couldn't share in their joy. So very selfish of me. I know.